Read only if you've seen Star Wares: Attack of the Clones
STAR WARS: ATTACK OF THE CLONES: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
By Rod Hilton
FADE IN:
EXT. A VERY FOGGY CORUSCANT
A glimmering ship cuts through the fog, eventually
landing, followed closely by two smaller Nubian
transports.
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
Look! We figured out how to do fog!
JAY LAGA'AIA emerges from one of the smaller ships, as
does THE REAL SENATOR NATALIE PORTMAN
JAY LAGA'AIA
Looks like there was no danger at
all. I suppose your decoy can get
off the ship now.
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS (CONT'D)
Decoy? Was I planning on still
screwing around with that horrible
bullshit?
Suddenly, the ship explodes, killing crew members and
NATALIE'S DECOY! Every single element of all shots now
appear to be computer-generated.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Decoy! No!
NATALIE'S DECOY
I'm sorry, I've failed you.
NATALIE PORTMAN
How? You were my decoy. This was
your job - in fact, this was your
ONLY job. Frankly, I'm not sure
why I'm so upset, why else did I
think I was hiring you?
NATALIE'S DECOY
(dies)
NATALIE PORTMAN
Wait, since you're my decoy,
shouldn't you at least look like
me? And not be Mexican?
JAY LAGA'AIA
We have to go to another obviously
computer-generated location and
interact with computer-generated
characters. Hurry, before the movie
gets boring.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Look, I really appreciate your
concern, but this is the second
movie where you've been up my butt.
JAY LAGA'AIA
No no, that was the other black
security guy. I have an eye patch.
See?
NATALIE PORTMAN
So, what, do I find all of the
black people in the galaxy and make
them my security guards?
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
NATALIE PORTMAN enters a room full of JEDI COUNCIL
MEMBERS and the aging SENATOR IAN MCDIARMID.
IAN MCDIARMID
Natalie! You look.. Exactly the
same. Why am I the only one who
actually aged ten years?
NATALIE looks in the vicinity of the floor, where FRANK
OZ sits with a green mask on in front of a giant blue
set.
YODA
Heard about the explosion, I did.
Seeing you again brings warmness to
my heart. Wait, that's not my
heart.
IAN MCDIARMID
I'm bringing in Ewan McGregor and
Hayden Christensen to keep an eye
on you.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Why them?
IAN MCDIARMID
Because it's part of my evil
scheme. Uh, somehow. Look, do you
want to pork the little kid from
Tatooine or not?
JAR JAR
When they arrive, I'll be sure to
announce it twice for no reason.
AUDIENCE
GOD DAMN IT! FUCK YOU! WHY ARE YOU
STILL FUCKING HERE?! Jesus Christ
on a crapstick!
EXT. CORUSCANT
LEANNA WALSMAN and TEMUERA MORRISON meet inconspicuously.
TEMUERA MORRISON
Here. I got these assassin bugs
for you to use.
LEANNA WALSMAN
Thanks for the bugs. It's a good
thing you, a bounty hunter, hired
me, a bounty hunter, to do
absolutely nothing other than put
this tube into a flying droid which
you could just as easily possess.
It gives me some real purpose.
TEMUERA MORRISON
Meh. You make another action
figure. With quick-change face
shift action!
INT. CORUSCANT BEDROOM
NATALIE sleeps, R2D2 guarding over her. EWAN and HAYDEN
are in the adjacent room.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Just being around her again is
intoxicating. I haven't seen her
since the last movie.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Wait a minute... Coruscant appears
to be the home base to both the
Senate and the Jedi.. And you
haven't even run into each other in
ten years?
Hayden has his eyes closed and and a shit-eating grin on
his face.
EWAN MCGREGOR (CONT'D)
What are you doing?
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
She made me turn the cameras off.
Luckily for me, her thoughts betray
her - she's having one of those
nightmares where she shows up to
the senate naked. Mmmm.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Hayden, pay attention. Be mindful
of the force and do what I tell
you. I had almost completed my own
Padawan training when I took you as
my apprentice, so I have ever so
slightly more training than you.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Nuh uh.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Yuh huh! And I do a great impression
of Alec Guinness, too!
AUDIENCE
Wow.. So.. Uh.. apprently Jedi
bicker incessantly.
NATALIE PORTMAN (O.S.)
Icky! Bugs!
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN runs in, hops on the bed, and
kills the bugs.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
I knew I'd be on top of you in bed
someday.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Bah. Ten years of Jedi training and
the coolest thing you've done is be
a badass exterminator.
YODA
Set the story into motion we must.
Ewan, get to the bottom of this.
Talk to a distractingly CGI
character in a diner.
EWAN MCGREGOR
A diner? Doesn't a diner severely
ruin a sense of the distant fantasy
Star Wars holds?
YODA
Ahem. Midichlorians.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Diner. Right. I'm on my way.
YODA
Hayden, you will take Natalie back
to Naboo. She'll be safer with an
unpredictable, dangerous apprentice
who shouldn't have been trained
than she would be on a planet
populated largely by Jedi.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Don't use registered transports,
either.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
I was thinking she could ride my--
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Just go.
INT. CORUSCANT BEDROOM
HAYDEN is whining to NATALIE as she packs.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
..and, and he always yells at me in
front of my friends, and he won't
let me watch TV past 10, and he
tells the CORNIEST jokes when we're
out in public..
NATALIE PORTMAN
Jesus, is this your way of
impressing me?
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(leering at her)
No, my boyish magazine-cover-model
eyes are.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Don't look at me like that.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Why not?
NATALIE PORTMAN
Because it could get you arrested
anywhere else, you fucking creep.
They get into a blue screen, which later becomes a SHIP.
NATALIE PORTMAN
I'm scared, Hayden. I'm scared
that I'll be known only for Star
Wars because obsessive geeks can't
seem to separate me from my
characters.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
I'm scared too. Hey, but we have
R2 with us!
NATALIE PORTMAN
Ha ha! Wait, why? Doesn't he fix
ships? Why is he even here?
EXT. RAIN PLANET
DIRECTOR GEORGE LURCAS
Look! We got rain right too!
EWAN MCGREGOR slowly uncovers the extremely simplistic
mystery. He meets TEMUERA MORRISON
EWAN MCGREGOR
Hi there.
TEMUERA MORRISON
I'm just a simple man trying to
make his way in the universe.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Er, um, that's great. So who are
you?
TEMUERA MORRISON
My clone son is Boba Fett. He was
a small role in the original
trilogy and ravenous Star Wars
fanboys elevated his importance
based merely on his cool
appearance. George Lucas, utterly
sacrificing whatever vision he
claims to have for the series, has
made his role much more important
by coincidently making his father
responsible for the clone wars.
But you can take a flying leap up
my ass, Jedi scum.
They FIGHT.
TEMUERA MORRISON (CONT'D)
Isn't it cool how badass I look?
EWAN MCGREGOR
Actually, you seem somewhat inept
in this fight. I'm outsmarting you
and kicking your ass repeatedly.
TEMUERA MORRISON
Hey, I said I look cool, I didn't
say I was good at fighting. I'm
modeled after the original Boba
Fett; he gets killed by a blind guy
accidentally.
TEMUERA MORRISON escapes, sans much of his armor and
weaponry.
EXT. ENORMOUS, OPEN FIELD
Romantic music swells in the background as HAYDEN and
NATALIE sit in the grass, talking.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
It's hard being a Jedi. I like the
part where I kill stuff and kick
ass, but the stuff about not bumping
uglies with you totally sucks.
NATALIE PORTMAN
I thought love was forbidden for a
Jedi.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Whoa whoa whoa. Let's not go
throwing the L-word around so
suddenly, I just want to fuck. Now
why don't you get naked and stop
being a senator.
NATALIE PORTMAN
You really hate politicians, don't
you?
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
I don't think the system works. We
need someone telling everyone else
how to think.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Sounds an awful lot like the
original trilogy to me.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
It's better than the system you've
devoted your life and childhood to,
you pathetic waste of flesh.
NATALIE PORTMAN
I think I'm falling in love with
you. You know how to sweet talk a
lady.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Guh, you're soft. Can I touch you?
NATALIE PORTMAN
Let's wrestle in an uncomfortably
erotic manner.
They run through the open field, playing with animals
and giggling like children. NATALIE'S sundress flows
behind her majestically.
AUDIENCE
(staring at tickets)
Star. Wars. Attack. Clones.
(looking back at the
screen)
Did we walk into the wrong theater?
NATALIE PORTMAN
I won't let genital herpes get in
the way of MY youthful frolicking!
INT. SECRET EVIL BASE
EWAN MCGREGOR uncovers a secret meeting between
CHRISTOPHER LEE and a bunch of FUCKING CARTOONS.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
Soon, every powerful group in the
galaxy will join my cause. Then,
we will take over! Uh, I mean,
separate from the republic.
EVIL ALIEN
I'm back, but my obviorsry Asian
accent has been toned down a bit.
I agree with you, Christopher Ree!
Now, ret's kill Natalie Portman,
because I apparentry have gone from
being corrupt and stupid to being
insanery sadistic and stupid in the
rast ten years.
Various PATHETICALLY FAKE LOOKING CHARACTERS respond in
agreement to CHRISTOPHER LEE.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Jeepers, R4! I better get a
message back to the gang!
INT. DARK ROOM WITH A FIREPLACE
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
I love you, Natalie. Why can't we
be together?
NATALIE PORTMAN
Um, because my name would be Padme
Naberrie Amidala Skywalker.
I may have put Jar Jar in charge in
my absence, but I'm not a complete
moron. Besides, I'm kinda worried
Lucas is going to tell us we're
brother and sister. We must not
fall in love. Excuse me while I
change into something that reveals
more cleavage.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
I wish I could just wish away my
feelings by wishing a wish with
which one wishes!
NATALIE PORTMAN
Wow. And George had help with the
script, too.
HAYDEN finds out that his mother was killed by TUSKEN
RAIDERS, so he slaughters every single last one of them.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
I killed them all, Natalie. Women
and children, too.
NATALIE PORTMAN
I see. I'm definitely in love with
you now. Let's go rescue Ewan
McGregor, who has been abducted on
Genosis. But first, let me change
into yet another god damned outfit
and spawn yet another god damned
action figure.
INT. GENOSIS
EWAN MCGREGOR
You'll never get away with this,
Christopher Lee.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
That's, what, the three thousandth
time I've heard that line in my
career? Join me, Ewan.
EWAN MCGREGOR
In what?
CHRISTOPHER LEE
Uh, my, um.. I dunno. Whatever
dude, it doesn't matter, we're all
Ian McDiarmid's pawns anyway.
You're fucked, enjoy being
spidercrab food.
He leaves. NATALIE and HAYDEN arrive to rescue him.
First, there is a short MEGA MAN GAME.
EXT. ENORMOUS FIGHTING ARENA
NATALIE, HAYDEN, and EWAN are chained to giant posts.
Three monsters emerge, ready to kill them.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Oh, look, I got a big kitty. Looks
like I'll be fine, how are you guys
doing?
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
I sure am glad I'm wearing black
robes right now.
Everyone fights their designated monster. NATALIE'S
KITTY rips the midriff of her shirt off perfectly,
exposing her well-toned tummy.
NATALIE PORTMAN
That was subtle.
As they fight, SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON comes in
and puts a lightsaber to TEMUERA'S neck. He glares at
CHRISTOPHER LEE.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Normally, both of you would be dead
as fucking fried chicken by now,
but since I'm in a transitional
period, I don't want to kill either
one of your asses.
Numerous JEDI appear. There is a shaky battle with an
impossible-to-follow amount of stuff going on.
Eventually, there is a break.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
Surrender.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Nope.
The battle resumes exactly where it left off. Suddenly,
YODA arrives with CLONE TROOPERS. The CLONES rip the
place up.
AUDIENCE
Holy shit, they can actually aim!
CHRISTOPHER LEE escapes on a small speeder. He looks
COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS. EWAN, NATALIE, and HAYDEN chase
after him.
INT. BAY
CHRISTOPHER prepares to leave, but CERTAINLY NOT TO
VISIT IAN MCDIARMID. CHRISTOPHER LEE shoots lightning at
EWAN, who absorbs it into his lightsaber.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
You can absorb force lightning?
EWAN MCGREGOR
Oh, yeah, of course. I really
ought to tell Luke that at some
point, shouldn't I? I bet that
would be helpful.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
God. Whatever.
He beats down HAYDEN and EWAN after a surprisingly tame
lightsaber duel. YODA walks in. They levitate stuff
and use lightning.
CHRISTOPHER LEE (CONT'D)
It's obvious this contest cannot be
decided by our knowledge of the
force, but by our ability to spit
out our own horrible lines.
YODA
Yoda I am. Look badass while
acting goofy I can.
They FIGHT.
AUDIENCE
YODA IS FIGHTING! THIS IS AWESOME!
(pause)
Wait, this looks fucking stupid.
Why am I tolerating this assault on
my childhood?
CHRISTOPHER LEE
It's obvious this contest cannot be
decided by our skills with a
lightsaber either, but rather by..
Um.. how many character names you
have. Let's see, I have two or
three.
YODA
I only have one. Go you may.
CHRISTOPHER LEE escapes. EWAN rises.
EWAN MCGREGOR
I had this horrible dream. I was
an actor, and my job consisted of
prancing about on blue sets and
talking to sticks with pictures of
faces taped to them. It was
horrible. Who would do such a
thing to the world of cinema?
YODA
It's all over now. Back in three
dimensional, somewhat textured
world you are.
NATALIE runs in.
NATALIE PORTMAN
Hayden! I'm completely in love
with you, despite never being given
a single god damned reason for it
to be so. Let's get married!
IAN MCDIARMID
Yes, yes! Get married! Have
children who will one day turn my
Sith apprentice against me and lead
to my demise! Everything is going
according to my design!
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
Stay tuned for the next installment:
It Came From the Dark Side!
END
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