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[ R A N D O M ]
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realise half of
them are stupider than that."
-G. Carlin
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"It's such a fine line between stupid and ... clever"
-Hubbins & Tufnel (1984)
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"Education is an admirable thing. But it is well to remember
from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can
be taught."
-Oscar Wilde
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"There is a cult of ignorance in the United States, and there
always has been. The strain of anti-intellectualism has been a
constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural
life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that 'my
ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.'"
-Isaac Asimov, Newsweek, 1990
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"Casual drug users should be taken out and shot"
-Darryl Gates, Head of Los Angeles Police Department
United States Senate Judiciary Committee (09.05.1990)
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"If kids today chose coffee over methadone, the world would be a far
better and more productive place."
-aj effin reznor
(re: that loser that OD'd online)
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"Marijuana is the flame... Heroin is the fuze.... LSD is the bomb."
-(Dragnet)
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"Fuck american cookies."
-gauss
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"There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure."
-David Mairowitz
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"Gamey meat is like asparagus for your ass."
-Mainframe
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"I'm a nigger. I'm a big strong nigger that knocks out people and
rapes people and rips off people and bullies people."
-Mike Tyson
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"A witty saying proves nothing."
-Voltaire (thanks Lisa)
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"Originality is nothing but judicious imitation."
-Voltaire
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"Virtue is its own punishment."
-(unknown)
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"I want to see people like me, rising up with hate, laying
about them with fiery eyes and steaming genitalia, possessed
by ancient volcano gods from the Polynesian islands, waving
vast breasts and improbable penises at the secret chiefs of
the world..."
-SJ, Transmetropolitan: Lonely City
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"i've been waiting to get in a fight since rehab"
-t12
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there once was a man
i fucked up this haiku, doh!
and something with trees
-snowchyld, my lord and saviour, without
whom i would be a mere mortal
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"Send lawyers, guns, and money,
The shit has hit the fan."
-Warren Zevon
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"Martini? This is fucking vodka with a gawddamn olive tossed in!"
-Mainframe, 11.27.02
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"If the television craze continues....we are destined to have a
nation of morons."
-Daniel Marsh, 1950. President, Boston University
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"Eating testicles is the only thing I WOULDN'T do."
-lbandit
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"If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it."
-Arthur Kasspe
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"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right."
-(unknown)
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"Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it."
-Mark Twain
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"Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light."
-Dylan Thomas
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"Smile, Cthulhu Loathes You."
-(unknown)
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"He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director,
Lucifer, Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him
"Dude"."
-Stig's Inferno
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"The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because
it isn't here."
-Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
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"We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy...
Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to visitors,
that I could have killed any number of them with my geological hammer."
-Charles Darwin
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"Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent."
-Salvor Hardin
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"Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers."
-(unknown)
Possibly a riff on:
"Profanity is the inevitable linguistic crutch of the inarticulate motherfucker."
-Bruce Sherrod
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"It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word."
-Andrew Jackson
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"See, cold is just like hot, only really different....."
-aj effin reznor
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"Tweakers don't know voodoo"
-Casey R.
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"There is nothing more frightening than a being drunk,
armed, and amped on freebase methamphetamine oil in the
ghetto of north philly with $0.16 and no gas"
-Gauss
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"I tried heroin, too much work."
-oghost
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"Nine out of ten men who preferred Camels have switched back to women."
-(unknown)
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"For me, no birthday is complete w/o one MAJOR felony."
-Gauss
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"You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy."
-Joe Valachi
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"You see that fucking fish? If he'd kept his mouth shut, he wouldn'ta got
caught."
-Sam Giancana
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"The first guy that rats gets a belly-full of slugs in the head. Understand?"
-Joey Glimco, trade unionist
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"Whether in a suit, or in a loincloth, people are
ignorant little thorns, cutting into one another."
-johnny c., homicidal maniac
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"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and
an airline; it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or
some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer."
-Frank Zappa
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"The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth."
-(unknown)
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"The power of accurate observation is commonly
called cynicism by those who have not got it."
-George Bernard Shaw
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"The technology that extends our senses is increasingly
difficult to distinguish from the technology that
creates our senses."
-Richard Thieme
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"A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men
favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
facts of life in bandages of self-illusion."
-H. L. Mencken
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"E makes shirtless, disgusting men, a club with broken
bathrooms, a deejay that plays crap and vomiting into
a trash can the best night of your life."
-Time Magazine
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"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all
progress depends on the unreasonable man."
-George Bernard Shaw
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"Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness
before there is change."
-Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29
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"We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must
condemn once and for all the formula 'chess for the sake of chess,' like
the formula 'art for art's sake.' We must organize shock-brigades of
chess-players, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan for
chess."
-Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice (of RFSFR,
later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress of Chess Players, as
quoted in Boris Souvarine's "Stalin," published London, 1939
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"What makes a Jew want to hang out with a bunch of
racist homophobes?"
-aj effin reznor
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I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Indeed, unless the billboards fall
I'll never see a tree at all.
-Nash
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"Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in
plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has it
that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was
arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept throwing
up on them."
-(unknown)
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"I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it."
-Ashleigh Brilliant
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"Are you exploding?"
-Mark Elliot, Check Point
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"Fuck burning, Rome is FLAMING"
-Gauss
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"My ass is impenetrable"
-Casey R.
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"My penis is better than corn, because corn doesn't squeal when
you stick those little prongs into it."
-Mark-Jason Dominus
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"At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the
coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick."
-H.R. Gumby
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"Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex."
-Karl Marx
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Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame cermony, [Cash] went to
the bathroom. "I was standing at the urinal, and Keith Richards walked
in... He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a
picture of this.' I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of
this.'"
-Rolling Stone interview with Johnny Cash.
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Baruch's Observation:
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
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"After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than
why I have one."
-Cato the Elder (234-149 BC)
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"Insisting on perfect safety is for people who don't have the balls to live in
the real world."
-Mary Shafer, NASA Ames Dryden
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"It's an eighty-eighty magnum, it shoots through schools"
-Danny Vermin, "Johnny Dangerously"
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"Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too
busy worrying over what you are thinking about them."
-(unknown)
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"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from
Julian to Gregorian."
-(unknown)
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"Fuck, I can snort $300 before 10am on a weekday."
-Gauss
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"Give me Librium or give me Meth."
-(unknown)
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"The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to
be when you kill them."
-William Clayton
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"His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling
outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..."
-Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich
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Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to
change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually
fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators
have windows.
-(unknown)
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"A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will
keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those
that are worth committing."
-Samuel Butler
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"I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in
poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently
doing quite well for themselves."
-Emo Philips
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"When choosing between two evils, I always try to choose the one
I haven't tried before."
-Mae West.
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"If it screams, it's not food... yet."
-(unknown)
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"The three little sentences that will get you through life:
1- Cover for me.
2- Oh, good idea, Boss !
3- It was like that when I got here."
-Homer Simpson.
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"Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is
fight the solutions."
-Stult's Report
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"i can smell the pachoulie-funk of yours over the wire!"
-aj effin reznor
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fuckoff, n.:
The tie breaker at the Miss America Beauty Pageant.
-(unknown)
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Fortune presents:
USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2.
^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken?
^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often?
^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number?
Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers.
Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction.
^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going?
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Fortune presents:
USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #4.
Mia ^svebo^sipo estas plena je angiloj. My hovercraft is full of eels.
Neniu anticipas la hispanan No one expects the Spanish
Inkvizicion. Inquisition.
La solvo estas kvardekdu. The answer is forty-two.
Adiau, kaj dankoj por ^ciom da fi^so. So long, and thanks for all the fish.
^Cu estas krajono en via po^so, au ^cu Is that a pencil in your pocket,
vi feli^cas pri vidi min? or are you happy to see me?
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"If God had meant for Texans to ski he would have made bullshit white."
-(unknown)
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"The central belief of every moron is that he is the victim of a mysterious
conspiracy against his common rights and true desserts. He ascribes all
his failure to get on in the world, all of his congenital incapacity and
damfoolishness, to the machinations of werewolves assembled in Wall Street,
or some other such den of infamy."
-H.L. Mencken
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"Coffee was invented by two stoned mexicans who got the munchies,
put some beans on the stove, forgot about them, burned 'em, frowned
about this, decided to make soup with the ruined beans, boiled them
in water, tasted the beans, decided they were ruined, tossed the beans,
and drank the water. I don't much care for coffee."
-BC Holicky
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"You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you
know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains...
they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment
they cross the mountains into California, they go insane."
-Quentin Genter
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"California:
From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English 'calorie' or
Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual intercourse" or
"fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." "
-Ed Moran, Covina, California
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"There's only one problem with L.A.
"It exists.
"L.A. is what happens when a bunch of Lovecraftian elder gods and
porn starlets spend a weekend locked up in the Chateau Marmont
snorting lines of crank off Jim Morrison's bones. If the Viagra
and illegal Traci Lords videos don't get you going, then the
Japanese tentacle porn will...
"L.A. is all assholes and angels, bloodsuckers and trust-fund
satanists, black magic and movie moguls with more bodies buried
under the house than John Wayne Gacy.
"There are more surveillance cameras and razor wire here than
around the pope. L.A. is one traffic jam from going completely
Hiroshima.
"God, I love this town."
-Richard Kadrey, in his novel Sandman Slim
(Thanks to Jericho for this one)
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Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
notify you if the record has pornographics material or
material glorifying violence?"
Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's
legs on the album cover is good indication that it's
not for little Johnny."
-- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
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