[ R A N T S ]

____________
[ 11.26.01 ]
[  RANDOM  ]

1128

"In an alternate dimension I'm 
         A Shalrath
Master of wizardry and floating purple things, you're smart, 
sexy and strong. You think you're a little above others though, 
so you tend to not get along well."





____________
[ 11.25.01 ]
[  RANDOM  ]

1554

Late to sleep.  Sleepless (and, well, ok, unconcious in Vegas) threw
my patterns for a loop, as expected.

Just got back from a nice little coastal fling on my saucy red German
number, and there they were.

Amerikan fucking flags.

Everywhere.

One thing I really got sick of in 7.5 hours of traffic (not counting 
the 5+ going outbound) this weekend, other than the traffic itself, were
the fucking flags.

And the biggy, the stickers reading:

God Bless America

Fuck that.  Not that I believe in "the big guy" to start with, but I'd
personally like to see something more realistic (there I go again with
that "reality" thing!) and reflective of the world we *really* live in.
Something that reads more like:

God Fucked America

I'd gladly place such slogans on my vehicles (Amerikan, German(s),
and Japanese) as well as on clothing, but I know there'd be flocks of
idiots out there who can't see beyond their own blind flagwaving and
the pro-Amerikan bullshit everyone seems to feel right now, without
actually being able to understand, quantify, or even explain what it's
all about.

"Love it or leave it"

Fuck off, fanboy.


-----

1033

Anyone get the number for that bus?

*ouch*

Thanks to JJ's girl, Alice, I was treated to a nice round of VEGAS
which was fucking long overdue for.  Stimulants, Hard Rock, and
unconciousness.... just like old times!

Too bad it took something like 7pointfucking5 hours to get home, but
what the hell... it's Vegas, baby!

Now, I need some Advil...

And thanks again, Alice.  Fucking good time!


____________
[ 11.22.01 ]
[ WHATEVER ]

0218

Clare: "So, what are you doing for turkeyday?"
Me   : "Oh, I dunno.  Was thinking about getting totally lit and
        heading out on the bike and finding a real high cliff to
        flame out over"
Clare: "....."

Will I?  Not bloody likely.  What will I do?  Shrug.  Pound a handful
of pills and call it a day, like I was doing on holidays in previous
years.  Previous years with the exception of the last 2, when I had
somehow found myself by and large adopted by my then-best friend's
family.

This, however, is no longer of issue or consequence for me.  The
little prick, in all his superman glory, had to go out and find some
utterly fucked up chick so he can try and save her from herself, fix
all the wrongs in her life so he could attempt to feel a little better
about his own existance.

I guess the meds he started taking just weren't working.  Or, conversely,
working too well.

I wonder sometimes if he still has the recent nude pix of his sister on
his system.  I wonder if she knows yet, or if his neurotic and under-
medicated slut is aware of them, or any of the other skeletons in his
closet.

I wonder what I will do tomorrow.  How much I'll be inclined to toss down.
If I'll wake up face down in a gutter, or face up in Hoag's HR.  Maybe
stay home.  Maybe go out and forget the helmet?  A thousand ways to
dance with the devil, and not a single one any more attractive than any of
the others.


____________
[ 11.14.01 ]
[  RANDOM  ]

0525

The other day... whichever day....  Finally accustomed to sleeping
(soundly) when the sun's up.  Fell asleep, smelling it in the air,
and sure enough, awoke to a sleepy, steady rainfall.

*Fuckin' nice*

I hate it, cuz I can't (or rather, won't) ride my bikes in the rain, but
the first real, decent rain of the season is always pleasing.

And, I love it. 

The Darkside
Another cold and lonely rainy day comes to an end
I have to clear my mind before I sleep or else I tend
to close my eyes and realize there's nothing there but light
I need shadow, I need darkness, to help me through the night
The darkside

I slide down the hill, windows half dropped, the real scents of nature
tearing into my flesh, along with the water falling down at obscure
angles.  The smell is real; not like some pine spray used on aged 
christmas trees.  This is what I live for.  No smog, no wet petrol 
products getting tossed about by traffic... but pure, wet vegitation.
Trees, bark, plants, flowers, general foliage, even mud!  Real, wet
dirt, in massive quantities.

Fuck the cities.

Another cold and lonely Sunday morning hurts my eyes
Cold water hits my face; only get up to see the skys
I raise my head, look up, and I'm suprised the clouds have gone
I'm still in search for darkness, so I have to wait 'til dawn.
The darkside

  -Hypertraxx, The Darkside

My "mornings" are again repleat with darkness and headlights.
Feels like I half-exist.  Half my world is in the one I grew up in,
lived as an adult in.  The one with people, traffic, sunlight.

Half my life now is lived in darkness, solitude.  No traffic, no
people except the guy at the 7-11 that races in his off-time.  Loud,
varying music.  Machines.  Bits and bytes; living & thinking at wirespeed.
Is it a degredation of humanity?  Or the next logical step in evolution?
Or, at least, a small step towards the next full step?  Enhancements and
revisions are the hallmarks of progression as was the move toward walking
upright and increased brainpower.

Thing is; the half where I feel alive is the half where I am the only
one...

Humans slow me down, get in the way.  Fucking myopic little twerps, they
are.

The rain is good, at least.  Cleanses the landscape, washes away the filth.

Working on second, full-time employment.  This should rock if I can get where
I want to be, which I really feel I will.

Rock.
On.

So, what's it all boil down to?

A handful of minor things to deal with.  All things I have created, and
I shall tend to, all in due and proper time.

In the mean time, I'm busy keeping a sliver of America's economy safe
and fluid and flowing.  It's not a cakewalk, and not always pleasant
what with restrictions and limitations, but it's there for me to do, and
I do it with rather blinding efficiency, all things considered.

Dig the bossman I can argue with, and we both wind up with a better
understanding not just of each other, but of the situations we're dealing
with.  Dig the CEO that likes me just the way I am, and sez fuck anyone
that doesn't like what they see when they look at me.  That what it's all 
about, right there.

I can't say "life is good."  I can say "it ain't nearly as fucked as it
could be."

-----

Been talking with Nick for awhile this morning.  Reminds me of olde times.


____________
[ 11.12.01 ]
[  QUOTE   ]

"America has a great constitution but has spent the last 200 years trying to legislate against it."

  -anonymous


____________
[ 11.10.01 ]
[   RANT   ]

Talking with JJ today.

This doesn't even belong in proximity to the power below about Karin.
Just wish I had something to say between then and now to buffer this.

As I was talking with him, I found myself saying something to the effect
of:

"Whore. Fucking whore! lying cheating two faced chemcically-imbalanced persecution-complexed delusions-of-granduer good-for-nothing waste-of-oxygen sad-excuse-for-a-cockholster filthy skanky unprotected mattressbacked anything-for-cock WHORE."

Listening to the radio the other week, I heard something mildy amusing
discussed.  

The Rule of Three.
If a guy sez he's been with (ie, "fucked"), say, 15 women, he's actually
been with something like 5.  Rule of Three.  Divide.

Don't know what to do about fractions.  Fractions weren't covered.

Females....  Been with 6?  Make that 18.  "Twelve" ?  Make that
thirty six.

I recently discovered something else, also....  perspective between the
sexes...

He says "We met through mutual friends" should be read something akin to
"she was dating a good friend of mine when I figured I appreciated her more,
tho I really don't know her that well at all, so her and I split on him.
Pussy is worth more than a genuine friendship."  This translation is also
approximate for "We met through an online dating service."

However, if she says "We met through mutual friends" then it translates kinda
like "he was my ex's best friend when we were still going out, and I figured
I'd walk on a guy that genuinely cared for me for this new guy that seems
interesting but I likewise don't really know."  This translation is also
approximate for "He liked some fiction I wrote, tee hee."

Also, guys, no matter how much love, how much commitment, never go bareback
til you've seen six month's documentation that ya know she ain't got anything.
Six months from when you start going out, not prior.  Can't trust no one
nowadays.  I was lucky, you might not be.


____________
[ 11.02.01 ]

Been wondering how I wanted to coredump this into something visible
and tangible and coherent.  Still haven't decided how...

Monday marks two years that Karin Jones passed away.  Most that know me
and read this will understand the reference.  Anyone here by accident
will be clueless.  Such is the way things are.

Karin fell way to ovarian cancer, after a long and grueling and painful
fight.  Sure, that description is liberally applied posthumously to
most cancer victims, but it is a true and accurate description.

She was always a fighter, never took and shit she didn't think she should.
Her courage is inspiring to this day.  What was initially looking like 
success had a very, very sudden change and rapidly things got worse.
Her passing was a complete suprise and shock.  When I found out from Amber
I wasn't sure we were even talking about the same thing.  It just didn't
make sense;  3 weeks before I spent almost a solid hour on the phone with
her and she sounded better than she had in the previous nine months, since
her treatment had begun.

To this day, however, Karin Jones remains an inspiration to many, and I
definitely count myself among those ranks.  She constantly motivated me
and pushed me when exasperation and depression had set in.  She poked and
prodded me to open up and get things off my chest when I utterly refused to.
She made me think, she made me feel; in short, she made me more of a real 
person and less of the shell of a human I had become.  Karin constantly
gave of herself, completely selflessly, and never asked for a damn thing
back from anyone.  If more people were a fraction of Karin, the world
wouldn't be nearly as fucked of a place as it's grown to be.

In the past two years, people have to some degree undone within me some
of what she fostered, but I manage to reclaim myself by thinking of what
I learned from her.

By and large, I wouldn't be quite who I am, or what I am, or how I am,
or doing what I do both professionally and recreationally were it not for
her.  Even beyond her passing, she's managed to mend wounds between myself 
and others.  To her, and her memory, I am eternally indebted.

Thanks, Karin.  I owe ya.


-----

[ FORTUNE  ]

"You will soon be blessed with unexpected good luck, in bed."






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