____________ [ 11.30.02 ] [ RANDOM ] 1955 So, someone actually reads the spew here and says:
"Life is definitely a series of ups and downs... You're lucky to have someone (Richard) who has given you advice that helps you through some of those issues. ...I will (finally) take a little bit of someone's journal with me to remember and help myself. Good luck."
To which I reply:
"Only problem is I feel I am indeed at an alltime new low right now, and while the sage advice is helping me through, I am not so sure that I want to be totally free of this... some things you don't want to let go of, despite the pain."
I can't totally break a connection that I have no say in. Larger forces are at work here. Took the day off from the duties around the house to revist some of my old pals and places. Saw Eddie Bean (kind enough to assist me in cramming a larger chunk of metal in my tongue) and Craig and Ryan, my ink slinging brothers. Took a very much out-of-the-way trip to my fav little coastal diner just cuz I felt like breakfast in an olde, familiar place. It was freezing by 1830 today. I'm beat and sore. Wheeee! ____________ [ 11.29.02 ] [ RANDOM ] 1724 The sun set about 1645 today, half an hour ago, as it has been lately. My phone gets the weather report sent to it at 0645 every weekday. Tho it's a holiday the phone doesn't rest. Today it claimed to be raining when it woke me up (not true, however, it did rain later in the day a rather small amount) but the forcast for today and tomorrow read "thundershowers". About 2 minutes ago it hit. Lightning. Thunder. Thunder like you would not fucking beleive! A good 10 or 12 seconds' worth of solid, powerful thunder, preceeded by blinding silver flashes. (Just hit again with less than 2 seconds between them, so the storm is definately upon us. Or, me at least.) The big, big hit that prompted me to sit down amidst my organizing/packing rolled loud, hard, and bright, and the rain came down audibly hard almost instantly. And. I wish I had my carpet downstairs rather than bare concrete. I'd love to have a nice fire going right now, to be sprawled out in front of it. Of course, even if I did, I'd be alone, which would just blow goats. While yesterday was all in all tolerable (thanks mostly to my boss giving me a mental safe haven to spend Thanksgiving at) I usually feel pretty fucking alone and empty during the holidays. Mostly because I am usually alone during the holidays. While fate bought a heavenly body into orbit it's also kept it orbiting at a more or less safe distance, which only leaves me alone right now. On a dark, stormy night when I should be in front of a roaring fire next to a warm, heavenly body. ----- [ RANDOM ] 1446 Called a friend earlier to say "Hey!", see what was up with him. Whenever I call always seems to be a time when he's facing a deadline or really tied up in something he is producing or is on the road. He's a genuinely great guy, and some of his work has done wonders to make me feel a little better about life itself. For once, the tables are turned. He had a bad flu recently which messed up some of his work travel (apparently he's never had a serious flu in his life) and his mother is in the hospital, not doing well at all. I can relate to the headspace created by a parent in the hospital, the looming loss, as I've gone through that entire route myself, and with scent of another loss so fresh in my pores I can only empathize with him. He's supposed to be back east tomorrow; I don't think he's looking forward to it at this point. I really feel for him, but unfortunately there's not much that I can offer him in return, which makes me feel pretty down in addition to the other issues I'm experiencing right now. ----- [ RANDOM ] 0012 Ugh.... I ate like a motherfucker today. Despite, well, things just not being as ideal as possible, I at least didn't spend the holiday alone as I am apt to do on many holidays when the blah and the funk set in. I was invited to an awesome dinner by me CEO with a few others from the office in attendance, which was simply cool. Excellent food... a metric ton of it... good times. Really good times. I feel like I ate half a damn bird myself, but I reckon a lot of that was the yummy lamb that we had also. My thoughts are anywhere but with me right now. ____________ [ 11.27.02 ] [ QUOTE ] (notime) "The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good requires intent." ----- [ QUOTE ] (notime) "Martini? This is fucking vodka with a gawddamn olive tossed in!" -Mainframe, 11.27.02 ____________ [ 11.26.02 ] [ MUSING ] 0801 Usually when I wake up I can hit the ground running. Not that I'm a morning person, not by any means. But, when I finally shake the sleep from my head, getting my motor warmed up and purring usually isn't too hard. It's just those moments before, the drift state, where things can happen. A 30 second span is enough for the mind to wander leagues deep into itself and prowl around the murky caverns below. It's at these times that memories flash back, a void, a vacancy, is felt, and you realize that mornings have one more reason to suck. ____________ [ 11.25.02 ] [ RANDOM ] 1150 For some reason I felt the need to wear the shirt K got me for my pseudo-birthday, which reads: Oh Crap You're going to try and cheer me up, aren't you? Not that I need cheering up or anything, mind you. I'm doing remarkably well this morning. I do of course hope and pray that words spoken were genuine and a friendship will resume as intended. That is all for now. ----- [ MUSING ] 0647 ...and the mornings seem a little darker... ____________ [ 11.24.02 ] [ STREAM ] 1852 In addition to the new categories from a few days ago, MUSINGS, I'm now issuing my first STREAM. I've COREDUMP'd for you in the past but those were somehow different from what I am attempting here now. I saw this guy by the name of Mark today. I haven't seen him in, eh, ages, really. Spoken to him 2 or 3 times in the past year or so but not on the scale that I used to. Times change and things shift and... well, you know how it is. Anyways, Mark and I discussed briefly and vaguely various happenings in our life and after dispensing a few gems of wisdom to him, all he could do in return was tell me to sit down and write, whether I want to or not. Just write until it's all written or you really *feel* you can't write any more. So, here goes. These are the times that try men's souls. I don't want to be writing this, but to an extent this may very well be the best and/or only recourse at my present disposal. In high school a favourite band had an instrumental track titled "Letting Go". Funny that many years later, that theme (heh) came around again. I was distraught, destroyed over the mental and emotional torture and anguish I went through by someone that I cared deeply about, who once cared deeply about me. Feeling about the lowest as I could recall in my life, I turned to one maginificent fellow by the name of Richard. He's a bit of a mentor to myself and others like me. A surrogate father, if you will. I called him one evening and explained everything to him and how I was feeling. His advice was simply that I had to let go of her, of the memories, of the meanings, and I would be alright. I said OK, not to humour him as hard to comprehend as it were, but because I knew that even tho I was having trouble swallowing this, he was right. A few minutes after getting off the phone and thinking of everything he'd said I realized he was right, and let go I did. And, of course and as always, Richard was right. In the years that have passed since then I've managed to draw lines of distinction between certain things. The girlfriend that had hurt me so badly I can now relate with in a completely civil manner, and is actually the only former that I can say that about. The fact that she's matured some over the years helps immensely, of course. Over the years his words have stuck with me, and I've tried to share them with a select few people whom I felt stood the most to gain from them and were also likely to accept that a few simple, choice words could possibly indeed be the right answer. For some, it's worked. Notably, the ones that suffered long and hard to eventually work their way out of the pits they've fallen into were skeptical or dismissive of the advice. It's come to my aide many times in many different ways since that one phone call was made. Not just when women rip my heart out, mind you, but in dealing with many of life's misgivings. Up until recently (sometime in the last year) I never rode a passenger on my bikes. See, in the past, when I had someone special with a special someone, I'd share something with them. Perhaps a favourite restaurant, or maybe a song, my preferred cliff to sit on and brood over life issues atop of. And ultimately along would come the ugly breakup and that thing, that place, would feel dirty, sullied, tarnished by the memory of that person. For that reason, I never rode a woman on the back of my bike. My bikes... my freedom, my go!, my 'therapists couch' as I referred to them. Surely sharing something so fucking special with someone could only make me embittered towards it in the long run. One day, something clicked, and I just came to a mechanism in my head that allowed for the sharing, the gift of sharing, if you will, of anything with someone, and for that thing to never be corroded no matter what. Don't get me wrong, some things are still special and unique to special people, like the first time someone ever actually made me breakfast. And yes, while I've ridden women both of involvement and not, each time is something unique to the experience with that person, and does not affect the glorious relationship with me and my steeds. The additional plus to this is that, through distinctions, I've also managed to "reclaim" certain songs that I loved dearly but because of things became too painful to listen to or worse, lost their meanings to me at all... even happy memories of them that had gotten erased. All back into their rightful places. Now, it's at this point I feel it should be pointed out that said mechanism (for want of a better descriptor) isn't disassociation, or denial, or anything of the sort. I didn't remove pain, emotion, empathy from my being or my soul entirely. The acknowledgement is still there, I do still feel something, but it's more a matter of feeling that I shared something special with someone possibly ungreatful and less of losing something dear to me. I'm still human, I still feel, I just don't hurt quite as much. I now find again the need to tap into Richard's advice. Right about now I do wish I could find his number so I could hear a reasurring voice on the other end of the line if for no other reason, and it'd be nice if I could find that blasted CD with the "Letting Go" track on it as well, but I'm making do. I just got the call about an hour and a half ago that changed everything. After some winding down and clearing of the head, I realized that I would weather this, too. I am greatful to be of like enough nature with someone that the difficulties were shared and not burdened on either of us in particular, and that we both feel a reasonable friendship can be salvaged, and the future is not determined and if fate wants to deal the cards as before, then so be it. The mind is like a parachute, it works best when opened. So, while utterly crushed and devestated, what's left of a more or less solitary life will continue as it always has. An even wash of black and white (no, that's *not* a subtle referrence, it's how I always label it) will taint my landscape and keep me at an even keel running neither high nor low. It can be boring but at least it keeps me out of trouble. That is, at least, until someone comes along and throws a wrench in the works. Not her fault, mind you. Some people are just born too damn ideal. And yes, I realize at some point she'll read this, but I'm saying it all anyways, as I always have and shall continue to do. Realistically, rocky times are ahead for me, with work ramping up, needing to wind things up here so I can sell my place and step out into... somewhere, which I haven't decided yet. It'd have been tough, I'd have made it through OK, but as other parties aren't yet prepared, so be it. Love is a two way street, after all, and the traffic isn't always moving the same speed in either direction. Continuing with the cliches (sometimes someone said something so well that finding your own words is pointless, neh?) I must say that time does fly when you're having fun. Einstein had a good quip on this when referring to relativity. Look it up, I'm not pasting something for once ;) . Sometimes what feels like a large portion of a lifetime can occur in the span of a few short weeks. No, wait. Not sometimes. Rarely. Really fucking rarely... but it *can* happen. When it does, it's amazing, a rollercoaster of emotions and feelings and laughter, and when it ends its a fucking high speed coaster straight into a brick wall. If you have your senses about you, you can dust off and walk away without too many scratches in a fairly short amount of time. If you're lucky, your partner in crime is someone you still want to talk to (and vice versa, of course) then consider yourself lucky. If you can take the ride again later, then you are the luckiest son of a bitch alive, so STFU... but for now, buck up, little camper. Our time on this ball of dirt is short, if you find someone that you can spend the time with, share the feelings with, consider yourself lucky. Make every moment count, you don't know when they may be pulled out from under you. If you have the chance to experience it again, see above, and STFU again, k? If you are lucky and find someone else in life that comes close to fitting the bill, also, count yerself lucky, see above, and still STFU. A lot of this is coming from an earlier convo so if it seems repetitive to anyone, that's why. Following Mark's advice, I'm writing til I have to stop, and what's on my mind is what's coming out. Please accept and deal. Shifting gears to "what else is on my mind" I'm wonder what I'm going to do when I sell this place. The market isn't as hot as anticipated but I don't have time to wait for it, so I'm making the move when I need to, not when I want to. The totals involved aren't quite what I anticipated, but at the very least I should be debt free when I'm done. 2 weeks of good weather (coincidence?!, I wonder) are now replaced by the real winter chill we've been expecting. Too cold to ride much in the evenings, so looks like I'll be staying home til I vacate and get a new cage with lovely items such as a windshield, windows, and climate control. I'm tired, utterly emotional drained, but more calm than I was earlier. Tho most will never read this, my eternal thanks to Richard still resound, to Mark for inspiring me to really get everything out, and to anyone (well, ok, one) else that made life worth living, if even for a brief period. Thank you, all. ( 2044 - addendum ) That which does not kill us makes us stronger. I've been down this road, albeit smoother ones, in the past. Dealing was not always easy and sometimes assisted. This time, save the occasional delve into sci-fi to take my mind off reality when it's a little too sharp, I will be taking the bull by the horns. Yes. Thank you. (And thanks to Dennie for the convo this came out of.) And to wrap, finally, I think, is something Amber had posted to her site:
Regardless of whether you love someone hate someone wish they would die or know that you would die without them it matters not. Because once they come into your life whatever they are to the world, they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without a trace of a sound you know that your own life is inevitably theirs.
____________ [ 11.22.02 ] [ RANDOM ] Yes... posting more again! Smattering of time spent last weekend on Sara's servers and scattered over the rest of the week. Dennie has fortunately signed on to the project, which is sweet, cuz what I am to Apache he is to DB's. The rest of the server-config night was either spent waiting for servers or getting lost with my head in the clouds, as it were. Sometimes, uncertainty can suck. Wait, scratch that. Almost always uncertainty *does* suck. Sometimes it's balanced with hope or some form of hope that comes from something kinda like some empirical knowledge that things are happening how they are supposed to and that all is right with the world. And, it can still be scary. In other news, I now prepare to move everything I own into storage (or, almost everything). The Girlfriend (FZR6000) needs to land in Sean's possession sooner than later, if possible. The space is needed, methinks. [-pause-] Prefered dinner tonight of coffee and pizza. Thinking of the last time I had a steaming slice, some rich 'joe and good company. Sat around reading the Weekly afterwards (having missed last week, first time in ages that I've let that happen, but I can let it slide given the circumstances...) and my mind wandered down paths both new yet familiar at the same time. Small events looped inadvertantly through my head. Nothing that I wanted put on 'repeat' mind you, but again, my brain prime-factoring life into shared lib-style components. Suddenly, I think, it all makes sense. (I think) ____________ [ 11.21.02 ] [ MUSING ] I've been meaning to coredump for awhile but I can't seem to put my usually fractured thoughts into even reasonably coherent fragments right now. Been meaning to post more but while I have a lot to say lately, I can't. I find myself walking down a new road for once. Long ago I thought way too much. Everything became disassembled; reverse engineered life and humanity and everything about it. Then it became gray and dark and cold. There is no joy or amusement when everything, no matter how new, is automatically broken down into simple core components of familiar, known values and quantities. Anything new is readily registered as "haven't been there but don't need to do that it makes sense already" and frankly, it sucks. Every now and then I'd find a spark, something that caught my interest (and by something, I mean someone). However, things always wound down the same way as before, as their core counterparts would almost dictate that they had to. I once found something *new*. I'm not sure when. As olde and ragged and worn as I fell, I was told my soul is young. (Once, many moons ago I was told by someone that I had a genius' hands. Not sure what that means, but I am told now that my soul is young based off these hands of mine, but no bearing of the genius aspect takes place here). This *new* soul appears to be olde, tho I am not sure how it relates to mine. Can there be different kinds of olde for souls or is there a strict linear scale employed? Eh, anyways... This newness could be considered to be relatively recent but it is very hard to say, since the souls-of-relative-aging in question may have a history unbeknowst to their physical manifestations (why yes, I *do* read a lot oh Philip K. Dick, why do you ask?). So, I am not sure when or how to say anything actually occured, and the calendar is a poor judge of anything anyways. What we have here is me finding something *new*. It's taken a long time, and I find it (or it found me, or it was mutual accidental finding) utterly by accident (of course, right?). And, of course, circumstances and complications complicate the circumstance as they so often enjoy doing. My heart races, my breathing increases, my face is flush. And then the tables... not turn. The tables don't turn, they just aren't quite tables anymore. Without defining these formertables suffice it to say they're "else" or "other"... just something other. So, I do what I can. I remain me, I remain here and available as I can hope to be. I brush the dust of the leather hanging off these olde shoulders and make room, and hope and wish I could pray for the proper outcome. See, once in a lifetime something happens.... the planets align, a shooting star arcs overhead on a night lit by a full moon, and two become one. Hopefully. ____________ [ 11.19.02 ] [ RANDOM ] I'm again at the point in my life where I don't give a rat's ass about anyone or anything, myself included in that list. I'm ready to roll over and just die, plain and simple. Sometimes at work a song rolls through Winamp that cuts through the haze of the day and twists a knife in my stomach or heart. Sometimes, both.Is it getting better Or do you feel the same? Will it make it easier on you now You got someone to blame You say... One love One life When it's one need In the night One love We get to share it Leaves you baby if you Don't care for itJohnny Cash covered this song. It's beautiful. ____________ [ 11.18.02 ] [ RANDOM ] 2105 Working. Playing. I have a shitload of stuff to do around the house before I can put it on the market. I don't get off work til the sun is just starting to go down (which is earlier these days anyways) so I've been trying to crank in the evenings what I can under floodlight. Things have been interesting to say the least this past week. Interesting as they were, I am left to sit here, doing laundry, landscaping the back yard, wondering where I went wrong, wondering if tonight is the night I pick up a nasty drinking habit, wondering why my head is wired as it is, why my loops and cycles follow the patterns they do. I'm worn, looking down the barrel of the gun that comes with real estate transactions, also worrying about various financial issues, emotional ones, health, the IRS, and whatever else I'm just too out of it to focus on right now. ____________ [ 11.14.02 ] [ QUOTE ] At Alice's urging I display here and now: "I should either go jack off or shoot myself in the head." -aj effin reznor See, sometimes life is too much to deal with, and the decisions we are faced with are daunting ones... and sometimes.... sometimes ya gotta find that one thing that makes it all better or go away. The above: 2 of those options. ____________ [ 11.13.02 ] [ RANDOM ] 0517 Up early? Fuck, I crashed out at like 1930 last night... what do you expect? Not sure what's going on... just couldn't keep my eyes open... just fell right the fuck over. Odd, eh? ____________ [ 11.11.02 ] [ RANDOM ] 1242 Home sick. In St. Louis Thursday and Friday last week. Came home to some pretty gnarly rains. Hadta run errands saturday in said rain on Saturday. I think the rain + riding + the damn compression of the plane plus whatever was going around engineering last week compiled to do me in. Ugh, back to bed. ____________ [ 11.04.02 ] [ RANDOM ] In lecturing, "If you are mean to me you do not deserve my kindness, nor my anger, nor my love, nor my hate. I'm everything you expect and want and need and nothing you can begin to imagine." -aj effin reznor ____________ [ 11.03.02 ] [ COREDUMP ] 1016 As with previous, not much to say lately. Working a bunch, travelling a little. Doing cool stuff at work, and that's all I'll say about that. ... Belle tells me that I make her want go use her cheetah vibrator. I didn't ask, but I presume that's a Good Thing (tm), no? ... They say that living well is the best revenge. I generally tend to agree. Life may not be a rosegarden for me right now, but I'm OK with who I am, where I am, what I am; in short, with myself. If you can enjoy a bit of your enemies' suffering, more power to ya. Just don't gloat too much, no matter how much they deserve the world's ills to befall them. ... Managed to get Brother Dave shoehorned in at The Company, also. Cheers to him, cheers all around. I had zero influence on the hiring beyond referring him, his merit alone is what got him there. ... Taking off to run errands yesterday morning, it was pretty damn cold. Dropping down the hill, I felt some seriously cold wind biting into the little flesh I left exposed. A few tears slid out from the corners of my eyes and made the cold, damn air sting in streaks all the more. The engine was in a *very* happy mood, the air was clean and moist and frosted my lungs. I realized then that I don't just enjoy riding, I belong on two wheels, of all sorts. The Mantis is in a mostly tuned up state, and spinning the cranks is in the near future, so long as it stays dry. Cold and dark are not going to be limiting factors. In high school, cycling was my life, and for the last 8 years, motorcycling has been. I just *belong* on two wheels, and that's all there fucking is to it. _______________________ Where it all began has been moved. Go there now. _______________________Did I disappoint you Or leave a bad taste in your mouth? You act like you never had love And you want me to go without Well it's...
Too late Tonight To drag the past out into the light We're one, but we're not the same We get to Carry each other Carry each other One...
Have you come here for forgiveness? Have you come to raise the dead? Have you come here to play Jesus To the lepers in your head?
Did I ask too much, More than a lot? You gave me nothing Now it's all I got We're one But we're not the same Well we Hurt each other Then we do it again You say Love is a temple Love a higher law Love is a temple Love the higher law You ask me to enter But then you make me crawl And I can't be holding on To what you got When all you got is hurt
One love One blood One life You got to do what you should One life With each other Sisters Brothers One life But we're not the same We get to Carry each other Carry each other
One...life
One
-U2, One
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